Who are your allies?

I know who mine are.  One is the woman who started sharing my articles on Twitter.  I noticed we live in the same city.  I looked up her website and on the spur of the moment I rang her to say thank you and hello.  We chatted and emailed a couple of times during the next few weeks.

She referred me to one of her contacts in an organisation that’s now my biggest corporate client.

She referred me to a national company’s head of organisational development and leader of its women’s network who now has a proposal of mine sitting on her desk just waiting for the big yes to fly me interstate to present to the female employees.

She’s also been a big supporter of securing me as a speaker at a lunch for women who work in the construction industry and could do with more confidence and skills when it comes to speaking powerfully at work.

I haven’t been able to return my  ally’s generosity.  Not yet.  But I’ve asked her how I could.  I’ve asked her how I can support her business.  And I’ve said thank you, via phone calls, emails and a handwritten card.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that next time I hear of someone who needs my ally’s services, I’ll be tooting her horn and sending them down a one-way street to her front door.

That’s how networking works.  It’s how I’ve built in a few short months – and continue to grow – my business.  And it’s non-negotiable. Have a business?  Work in a business?  Networking needs to be at the top of your to do list.

And here comes my rant, because it’s a topic that fires me up and it’s an important part of my upcoming Powerful Speaking at Work program.

In the past few months, I’ve heard comments like this too many times: The women in our organisation suck at networking.  Those are the actual words one woman said to me about the other women in her company.

It baffles me because networking is all about relationship building.  And women – in general – do that naturally and very well.

As a connector first and foremost on Marcus Buckingham’s list of nine strengths roles, I’m someone who loves networking.  I get excited when I meet new people, and it makes me feel pumped when I can connect them with one another.  It’s the kind of ‘clap my hands together’ and say ‘yay’ kind of happy.

In the past few weeks, one of my contacts asked for help to fill a position in his business and I referred one of my other contacts who got the job.    I was asked by two contacts if I knew a great PR person and referred two of my other contacts.  I put my favourite cameraman‘s name forward for a shoot and he got the gig.  I’ve been asked if I have work for people and if I know someone else who might have work for them.  Last week I was asked by a woman I know if she could take my place as a presenter if I’m offered a speaking role and I’m not available.

These sorts of things happen every week.  I love it that people ask for my help, and I love it more that I can give it.  People have started describing me as a Networking Queen.  That’s a crown I proudly wear.

I get it doesn’t work that way for everyone.  So, to make it easier, and to help you become a fabulous networker, here are my top 1o tips.

1.  Know your network

Consider how you’re already connected to people – work, family, friends, professional associations, clubs, volunteer activities, school, your hairdresser, dentist, the local cafe where you grab your coffee every morning.  You know a lot of people, right?  Think about how you can help the people in your network to achieve their goals.

2. Expand your network

Look for opportunities to go to different places and meet new people.  Be open-minded.

In the past few months I’ve said yes to a breakfast that’s run each month by an accounting firm (and I met two women who have a network marketing business who introduced me to their team leader and then I ran a tailored presentation skills workshop for them and it was wonderful!).  I said yes to a women’s lunch that’s going to turn into a monthly get-together and had a chance to speak with four or five people I hadn’t met before.  I said yes to coffee (event though I don’t drink it – peppermint tea’s my poison) invitations – and instigated my own – with new contacts on LinkedIn.

One of the women I met via LinkedIn is doing my Powerful Speaking Intensive this week.  I’ve also found myself in situations and meetings that didn’t seem fruitful at the time.  But they might be one day.  And if nothing else, my world expanded.  I’ve met some lovely people.  And I like that.

3.  Master the art of small talk

If small talk is uncomfortable for you, make sure you’re armed with a few topics you can talk about, or questions you can ask in networking situations (by the way, I define any situation in which you meet someone new as networking because you’re establishing a relationship that you might choose to build).

Remember that listening to other people speak is such a gift, and asking them thoughtful questions will make them feel important and special.  You can tailor topics and questions to the interests of the people who are there.  Also, it’s totally fine to politely excuse yourself from a conversation and move on if it’s going on for too long or you’re not finding it very interesting.  Be respectful and gracious.

4.  Say yes to invitations

You’d be amazed by the opportunities out there to meet people, from formal networking organisations to breakfasts, drinks, lunches, presentations, meetings, and other events.  I ensure I network at least once a week, including coffee catch-ups, lunches and events.  Some weeks I’ll go to a couple of different events.

The more I show up, the more I’m invited too.  I’m regularly invited to speak at events and women’s mentoring and networking groups.  It exposes me to an entirely new audience, and instantly grows my network.  Remember, whether you like it or not, the more you are seen out and about, the more people remember you, see you as successful and refer you.  Embrace six degrees of separation!

5.  Follow up

This is imperative.  Whenever I meet someone with whom I want to grow a connection, I always follow up – usually with a personal email that includes words describing what I enjoyed about the person and our meeting.  It’s a small gift from me, and I know it means a lot to the receiver.  

And while I’m on the topic of following up, it’s important to do it on social networking sites too.  When someone invites me to connect on LinkedIn, for example, I always send a message to say hello and thank them for the connection.  It makes a world of difference because so few people do it.  As one new connection said to me: Thanks for replying.  I am motivated and you haven’t even tried

6.  Manage your network

Stay connected by sending emails even if it’s just to say hello, and handwritten cards for important days like birthdays or significant events.  I recently sent one of my contacts a card just before she went on maternity leave.  I knew that would surprise and delight her, and it made me feel great to be able to do that.  I wanted her to know I was thinking of her.

You can invite someone different for coffee or lunch every week or two to stay in touch, or set aside a few hours each month to email or call people you haven’t heard from in a while.

7.  Give

You’re busy.  We all are.  Time is precious.  And when you  take the time to go out of your way, it won’t go unnoticed.  A phone call, an email, or forwarding something of interest – perhaps an article – shows you’re thinking of someone who matters to you.

Ask people how you can support them in their business, especially if they’ve shown interest in you and/or helped you.  Build equity in your networking bank by helping others.

8.  Connect people

Make an effort to bring together people who you know will benefit from meeting one another.  When someone does this for me I really appreciate it, and it makes me want to return the favour.

Remember to always ask permission to give out a phone number or email address.  Don’t take it for granted that it’s okay.  Honour the people in your network.  Make sure you’re generous with sharing your connections too (with permission).

9.  Ask for what you want

If you’re someone who goes out of your way to help others, then you have equity in your networking account.  Cash it in.  Ask for help.  Ask for an introduction.  And show your appreciation when you get it.  Make sure you say thank you.

10.  Make the most of social networking

Whether it’s Facebook or LinkedIn (my preference), you can use social networking sites to expand your network.  They’re great tools for asking your contacts for introductions to their contacts, as well as sourcing referrals and sharing information.  Remember though, online social networking can never replace a personal conversation.

Want to hear a few of my networking no-nos too?

It’ll make me feel better to get them off my chest.

1.  Just because you have someone’s business card doesn’t mean you have a relationship.

2.  Just because you were at the same networking lunch as someone else and have access to their email address doesn’t mean it’s okay to add them to your subscriber list on your website.  This is never acceptable.  You need permission from people to do that.

3.  Just because you were at the same networking lunch doesn’t mean you can email and say it was great to meet you if you never actually did meet.

4.  Make sure you spell people’s names correctly.  My name, by the way, is Tricia, not TriVia (yes, I received an email from a guy I’d never met, but who claimed we had, and he called me Trivia.  I told him I’d like to think I’m more important than that).

Now, go forth and be a magnificent networker.

Do you have some networking tips?  Feel free to share them in the comments below.

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My daughter doesn’t like being told what to do.  In fact, in our household of three rather strong characters, no-one likes being told what to do.  My darling girl’s usual response to a directive (more so to one of her dad’s than mine) is: You’re not the boss of me!

Just for the record, she reckons the “boss of our house” is me.  She wants to be a teacher when she grows up so “she can be the boss of the kids.”

When you’re presenting, you’re the boss.  And the people in your audiences want you to tell them what to do.

What I’m talking about is a “call to action.”  It’s when, during your talk or presentation, you tell your audience members what to do as a result of the insights you’re sharing that come from your own experiences.

Issuing a call to action positions you as a leader.  It gives you oodles of credibility.  And it helps make your talk transformational.

Let’s face it, talks that don’t have the capacity to transform are nowhere near as powerful as those that do.  And speakers who don’t share their own stories, insights, lessons and wisdom are nowhere near as powerful either.

Here are a few things that I notice many speakers forget or haven’t quite registered yet, whether they’re standing on the stage, presenting in the boardroom, pitching for business, or even talking to a networking group:

• When you stand up to speak, you’re in charge of proceedings
• Your audience members consider you an expert
• Your audience members are looking to you to learn
• People want to be informed, educated, entertained, and consider different perspectives

As an audience member, I always listen much more intently to a presenter who’s telling me what to do.  When she does she commands authority, and that makes me trust her lots more.  A call to action ensures I really think about the words being spoken.  And it directly connects what’s being spoken about with me, my life, and my own experiences.

When there’s a clear call to action, what’s spoken doesn’t go in one ear and out the other.  Never.

Putting a call to action in your talk is simple – and essential.  It’s often near the end of a presentation, but it doesn’t have to be.

It sounds like this:

• I invite you to…
• I encourage you…
• Consider…
• Have a think about…
• I want you to…
• I urge you to…

Watch how Arianna Huffington issues a call to action in her TED talk.  It’s a quickie – just four minutes.  Her call to action is at 3 minutes and 50 seconds.

See?  It’s easy.

Now, next time you’re putting together an important talk (and aren’t they all?) ensure you include a clear call to action.

Own your insights, share them, and watch your credibility grow like Jack’s beanstalk.

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At the weekend I attended my first live TEDx event.

There was such care and commitment from all the volunteers who created the event, and they crafted something very special.

Close to the stage, lying back on a bright orange bean bag, with my note book and pen at the ready, I was excited to be part of the TEDx global community, and ready to swallow the experience whole.

There were 12 live talks.  Plus three more on video, recorded at events in the US and Netherlands.

I want to share with you my takeaways from watching and listening to the speakers on stage:

• It is not enough to know your subject inside out.  It is not enough to be well spoken, passionate about your subject, and adopt a confident stance.  If you can’t express your connection with what you’re talking about, if you don’t speak about what it means to you, if there’s no I in it, then your words fall flat and your message isn’t memorable.
• Leaders of all ages who are willing to share the insights from their rich life experiences are inspiring, especially when they’re just 21 years-old.
• It is not enough to expect your audience to understand what it’s like to experience a tragedy.  You have to tell us with the words and tone that express your pain.  You have to show us with your body language that matches how you feel or felt.  You have to be aligned with your message and your stories.  You have to let us in.  You have to be vulnerable.  Then we’ll connect with you, and walk in your shoes for a few minutes.  Then we’ll care, and remember.  Then your words might inspire us to behave a little differently in our own lives.  Then you will have given us a very special gift.
• Issuing a call to action in your talk – any talk – is imperative.  Please, tell your audience what to do.  As a thought leader, a change agent, a person with wisdom and intelligence and insight who has the capacity to transform with her words, it’s your job as a speaker to tell people what you want them to do.  That is powerful speaking.
• You have stories to tell that can influence others.  Stories of your own experiences that people want to hear.  You might not think they’re very interesting.  I promise you they are.  Your stories matter.
• A word on the word expert.  There’s a trap for experts who know a lot about their subject and forget that they are human beings too.  Their experience of the subject is much more interesting and meaningful for their audiences than the fact that they know a lot about it.  As a speaker, hiding behind expert doesn’t serve you – and more importantly your audiences – no matter how many letters you have after your name.  We want to know why you care, what possessed you to become that expert, what it means for you and what it could mean for us, too.
• Folding your arms when you’re on stage is a no-no, unless it’s a relevant part of the story you’re telling.
• If you’ve been to the edge of the world and your life – literally – your audiences want to know what that was like.  Please, don’t just give us the facts of the matter.  Tell us what it was like for you.  Tell us what it was like to push yourself to such extremes.  Tell us about the hard parts and the times you wondered whether you’d get out alive.  Tell us what helped you survive.  Take us with you on your journey.
• Structure matters.  Know how to put a talk together that makes your message clear to your audience.
• Singing is a beautiful way to capture your audience quickly, especially when you have a stunning voice and you’re absolutely present.  Divine!

Sound like a lot to think about as a speaker?  It is when you choose to learn public speaking from a text book or someone who cracks the whip with worn out techniques.

I’m overjoyed to tell you that the secret to powerful speaking is connection.  Master that, and everything else falls in to place, just like magic.

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This is my daughter playing a mini green giant in a kids’ performance of Ella Enchanted last week.  Shows like these warm the cockles of my heart.  I love watching my girl on stage, even though she forgets half the words in the songs and lots of the dance steps.

Which is why, she told me, she spent just about the entire show looking above the heads of everyone in the audience and directly into the mirrors along the back wall.  Mesmerised, she was, by what she saw.  And disconnected too – no presence whatsoever – from the audience.

She said, when I asked her why she was so focused on the mirrored wall, that she needed to see what the other kids were doing to make sure she was singing and dancing correctly.

I didn’t buy that.  Not for one moment.  I reckon the truth is she just likes looking at herself in the mirror.

It got me thinking about public speaking, presenting, meetings, and all sorts of important conversations, as I am wont to do.

I remembered the first time I sat in a women’s sharing circle many years ago and we all had to take a few moments to look into one another’s eyes.  I found it incredibly confronting, all I wanted to do was look away in embarrassment.  I felt vulnerable and insecure.

There’s something about being truly seen that I shied away from then.  These days, I savour it.

Let me explain why.

Studies show that people who make higher levels of eye contact are perceived as more:

• Powerful
• Warm and personable
• Attractive and likeable
• Qualified, skilled, competent
• Trustworthy, honest and sincere
• Confident

When you’re presenting, eye contact is the difference between connecting with your audience – or not.  It’s essential to ensure people are engaged with what you’re saying, or doing.

Eye contact creates more intimacy, and that makes your message more convincing.  Eye contact is a win-win.

Here’s how to do it:

• Before you start speaking, take a few moments to make eye contact with your audience members.  This shows your intention and willingness to connect.
• Look at everyone, not just the friendly faces in the crowd.  It’s easy  to choose the people who are giving you the most attention.  But your eye contact can help other people to become more engaged in what you’re saying too.

• When you’re speaking to a large audience, it’s impossible to make eye contact with every single person.  And scanning the room (or looking over everyone’s heads to the mirrored back wall!) is not the go.  You need to make actual eye contact with individual members of the audience.  And to do that, you need to know what you’re talking about (because ideally you’ve practiced your speech and know your main points and the stories that support them) so that you can allow for spontaneity in your speaking and look at your audience instead of staring down at words on a page.  Some people like to divide large audiences into five or six imaginary groups, and shift their gaze from group to group, choosing a different person within each group with whom to make eye contact each time.  Have a go and see what works best for you.

• At the end of your talk, remember to make eye contact as you close to ensure your message hits home.

When you’re presenting, and you make a point of catching someone’s eye, you acknowledge their presence and their attention.  You’re giving them a gift.

When I’m in an audience, and the presenter looks at me, it makes me feel so special.  It also makes me listen more intently.  And I want more eye contact.  It’s like I’m sitting there saying “pick me, pick me!”

I mentioned this to my darling after her performance.  I told her I really wanted her to look at me because it would have made me feel special and loved.  I said looking at people makes them feel important.  I’m not sure she got it.

But you do.  So, please, go forth and look people in the eye.  Be a powerful, confident, authoritative communicator.

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How many times have you sat through a presentation so boring that your mind started wandering and your attention was so far away from the presenter that you didn’t even know – or care – what he or she was talking about?

How many times have you walked out of a presentation and forgotten, as soon as you left the building, what the talk was about?

In the final part of my Powerful Speaking Secrets video series, I talk about the care factor.  Yours – and your audiences’.

Click PLAY on the video below to find out what I mean.

I’d love to know, which presentations have made you care?  Why?

Tell me in the comments below.

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